Why?

You know, as I'm sitting here, thinking about everything, the one question that pops into my head is..............Why???..........
Why am I stressing so much about school?
Why am I sitting up writing this blog, when i SHOULD be studying for a midterm?
Why am I doing everything in my power to try and delay what I know is evident, and very close in the future...........studying?
Why does it matter?.....Why does it matter if I don't study?
What will happen if I don't?.....I mean honestly, what will happen??.........nothing........right???
What if I don't study, in all actuality, if I don't study.....whats going to happen........I drop out??.....okay, then what...........retail??? X_X more retail?? *rips all her hair out*
Okay so I have been thinking about this for a few hours, and I realized that no matter how much I hate being in this situation that I'm in right now ........thats all I have.........right???........and the motivation at this point is getting out of this RUT I call of a life now??......well i guess thats all right, but for how long? I mean for how long am I going to be living and hoping for a better future? Till the end?? Am I going to be waiting for something better to come along my ENTIRE life??.........yes?? ......yeah I guess thats the answer........YES........but I'm not happy with that. I don't want to ALWAYS be waiting for something better to come or for that ONE amazing moment in my life. I don't want to always be striving to get somewhere better than where I am at.........wait.........no I do..*sighs* .........see thats the tricky part......I guess its a human thing right?? .......Always wanting something better?? Something better than we already have???.........And I guess that I can't really change that right?? .........Human nature is human nature.......and I guess what I am coming at is.....well I don't know what I am coming at........*scratches head* .........but what I DO know is that something HAS to change.......something HAS to change SOON.......because ...........well...........this just ISN'T good enough........I don't care how much everybody says that its temporary.......that doesn't matter.........what matters is that I am living it NOW, and I don't care that its temporary because knowing that doesn't make it any better. What makes it better is..........well.....nothing makes it better at this point. The only thing I can do is not bitch and moan about it all day, and somehow, someday, I will look back on all of this and be great full for it??..........Ugh I don't know.....sometimes I feel like saying......."FUCK IT" "FUCK IT ALL".....but I have enough common sense not to do that.........and with that I leave you guys tonight............I have come to the realization, that I HAVE to study, and that all these WHY questions will have to wait for another night.......when my brain isn't total MUSH.............soooo ask yourselves, why? why are U doing what UR doing at this very moment? Whats pushing you to do it? And if you don't have an answer.......I beg u to stop and try to find one, because without that.........WHATS THE POINT?????

XOXO
Ani
aka: resident *FAIRY*